A Prayer from an Alcoholic

A prayer from an Alcoholic:

We all know the infamous words, "God, grant me the serenity..." anyone who has battled addiction or loves someone who is an addict knows that serenity is a long shot. We hope for just plain calmness. Collected ness. Non chaos. To actually achieve "serenity" would be heavenly! "To accept the things I cannot change..." Again, ideally yes. It would be wonderful to have the ability to just let it all go, to truly detach, to let them do whatever it is they do because really, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. But when you love someone, and that someone is hurting themselves, aren't we automatically inclined to try to stop them? When our children are little, we cover outlets and lock cabinets. We put harmful chemicals out of reach. We attempt to control the environment because we don't know what antics our sweet little lambs will get into. But to love an adult addict, a person who, like a child lacks the sensibility to not be self destructive, we have to leave them to their own devices because it's something we "cannot change." The outlets have turned into shiny bottles of Tullamore Dew, the cleaning products into white powders. We are supposed to remove the covers, open the locked doors and let our loved one play in traffic. It doesn't make sense and yet it does. Because the adult addict is not a child. And ultimately adults will choose to do as they wish. 

But then this presents another contradiction. In any adult relationship, you will find rules. You will find limits, restrictions, compromises. It's essential to how we function as a "we." it takes pliability, yes. In order to remain in this relationship, I have to do the following and not do these other things. This will in turn make my partner happy and making my partner happy makes me happy and that's that. Right? Or, as is the case in most relationships, your partner chooses to just deal with whatever behaviors or choices you make because the other stuff you do that doesn't make them want to stab you repeatedly outweighs all your negative stuff. Thats the compromise. But isn't all of that, however we chose to live with our significant other, a form of restriction? And with an addict, the thing you cannot change being that they're an addict, we try to restrict them in anyway possible to curb their addict behavior. I think about this often because I was/am an addict. Frankly, it didn't take me long to realize this about myself. But, because I was surrounded by either fellow addicts or at the very least, fellow drinkers, I didn't really care. Oneonta, like many small towns, has a population within it that normalizes that sort of behavior. Even celebrates it. One of my favorite phrases that you often hear floating around the Black Oak Tavern is "functioning alcoholic." I still to this day wonder if that's a real thing?! How can you possibly know yourself, get a handle on how you feel, if you are consistently plying yourself with a poison (that's a depressant to boot!)?

One of my many rock bottoms (I believe people have more than one) is really a delightful story. After yet another turmoil filled break up, I "therapized" myself with vodka tonics and Marlboro lights. I was really handling things well, talking it out with friends...Yes, if by talking I mean slurring obscenities when things took a turn for the worst and I fell on the sidewalk and broke my two front teeth. I think what makes matters worse is that it took almost an hour for me (or anyone else) to realize it had happened. Beautiful behavior for a mother right? The next day, filled with shame (and gauze) I researched in patient rehab centers, stoli in hand. It wasn't until after many painful looks in the mirror and painful conversations with my terrified friends and family that I decided to take a chance on myself, see what life would look like not filtered through a rocks glass. 

Anyway, it's a long, different story that if anyone really would like to hear please let me know! 

In conclusion, I think my prayer would go more like this: 

God, please let me be brave today. Please grant me the confidence to try to love myself and others. To dare to take one step toward becoming the best version of myself. To make one honest and healthy decision, no matter how small. And to bless me with at least one true friend at the end of the day.