To My Mom

I often think about writing to my mom. Now this is somewhat comical to me mostly because, for those of you who know my mom and I well, know we talk to each other at least 6 times a day and see each other nearly every day. So it isn’t really necessary for me to write something down as I could easily just articulate everything to her out loud. But, writing isn’t really about necessity is it? We write because we want to. And I think that no matter how often my mother and I verbally communicate, writing carries with it a certain magic. The words that decorate the page can be read as often as one wants, and you can hear the writer’s voice.

I have started many letters to my mom and they remained unfinished. I’m not really sure why that is. Is it because we talk so often? Is it because I’m not sure exactly how to write what I am feeling at the time? I think the biggest part is that most of my letters are Thank You’s, and some thank you’s are so big, that it is hard to find the right words. So no matter how eloquent I may try to be, I worry that it will be lacking in power. On the other hand, knowing my mom, she would more than likely say she would love and appreciate whatever it is I wrote. So there you are. I am trying again for the umpteenth time on Mother’s Day.

At present, what I want to thank my mother for is so huge, that it presses against my heart with the force of an emotional tidal wave. What we have gone through together is very big. It is so much more than just that I have cancer and that she is a mother to a child with cancer. It is that we have both been forced to contemplate what life would be like without each other. What would happen in the upset of the natural order where the child went before the parent. I know for me, the idea of leaving my mother behind is unbearable. But despite this tremendous difficulty, my mom has found the strength to stay by my side through it all simply because, as she says, “where else would I be?”

How the Hell do you ever say thank you for something like that? Not just for sitting through countless doctor’s appointments and chemotherapy sessions, but for the agony of trying to picture what life would be like without your kid? The prayers every hour on the hour? The Lord knows how many sleepless nights? For mustering the will when you’re too exhausted (both physically and emotionally) to see straight? For smiling through it? For taking care of my daughter when I couldn’t? How do you possibly thank someone for the kind of love that knows no boundary or law, the kind that crushes, without remorse, anything that stands in its way?

So, I guess I will start by just saying thank you. Thank you mom for everything you have given up for me. Every Time you have put something you needed aside to get me something I wanted. For your patience and your forgiveness. For loving me endlessly and unselfishly. For  having to think through things once for yourself and then a second time for me. For instilling in me an appreciation for the following: The saints, Joni Mitchell and Carly Simon, Woody Allen movies, meatloaf and mashers, Provincetown (early morning and sunset especially), all things nautical, cold water with lemon, new york in the summer, sauteed veggies, strawberry shortcake, Fleetwood Mac, drives and diet cokes, Art in all forms, Books of all kinds, Pastosa, Christmas trees, good make up, Chanel Number 5, icy cocktails, good long cries and soft tissues, snuggling, hugging, kisses, and sweet dreams. And Thank you for giving me more love than anyone has ever given.